Archive for May, 2009

So I’ve been toying with the idea of coming up with consistent content for my blog, and one of the staples of the Interwebz since forwarding emails was cool has been the “list”. You know:

“You know you’re a child of the eighties if…”

and that sort of nonsense. Well, everyone does the Letterman standard top ten list – so I’ve decided to listen to the wise words of David, Nigel & Derek and, instead, go all the way to eleven. This one is just for fun tonight while I pen out some other concepts and very little thought went into it.

Almost as little time as the studio put forth in thinking about how to do this upcoming film. Here, then, are (in no particular order) 11 reasons the new GI Joe movie will suck.

1. The last project that Stephen Sommers (the film’s director) worked on as a director was a theme park ride. Seriously.

2. Have you SEEN the Cobra Commander mask? No mirror plate + no hood = EPIC FAIL.

3. Remember how awesome the last genre film Marlon Wayans did that used something cool from your childhood turned out? Of course you do.

4. No Serpentor?!?!!

5. Rumor has it that people die in this movie… NO ONE DIES IN G.I. JOE. The parachute ALWAYS opens right after the jet explodes. *

6. In the classic cartoon, Shipwreck appears 62 times and Cover Girl only appears in 14. So why is she in it and he’s not?!

7. The preview shows that the Eiffel Tower is destroyed by a terrorist group and an American based international task force must stop them. This has already been done.

8. G.I. means “Government Issue” – and G.I. Joe does NOT mean “Global Integrated Joint Operating Entity.” (NOTE: Technically, it stands for galvanized iron, but that’s still not “global” or “integrated.”)

9. Two words & three letters: accelerator suits wtf

10. I liked the slow-motion-jumping-dodging-missile scene better when I saw it in Transformers.

11. G.I. Joe is a “Real American Hero”. You leave that simple fact out and it’s not G.I. Joe. Period.

* Except in alternate future realities – which don’t count – because it’s an alternate, note reality. Don’t argue with me on this one.